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Lysias1148

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Nombre de messages : 100
Date d'inscription : 09/02/2008

MessageSujet: Rédaction   Dim 12 Oct - 2:03

Bonjour! Pourrais-tu corriger ma rédaction s'il te plaît Doudou? Petite histoire.

“Emilie! The well is empty. I’m going in town to get some water. I’ll be back in about 2 hours.”
That’s the disadvantage of living in this gloomy and isolated mansion, all alone with my father. My mother misses me. She disappeared 2 years ago. She was a good living despite her getting an insane behavior during her last two months (malgré ses deux derniers mois où elle était atteinte de folie). Inside of me, I still feel her protective presence. This make me think about Diddy, my little dog; he hasn’t shown for a week now.
Having nothing to do, I decided to fix the well. What was wrong with it by the way? On my way to the well, I noticed how dark it was. It makes me feel like in these horror movies, where zombies rise from the well. Whatever… I took the lamp oil in the shed (hangar) and fought my way down. It was kinda humid. As I was progressing deeper, I noticed the ladder weren’t looked after correctly and some rungs were broken. Don’t slip, just don’t slip…
Surprisingly, there was a narrowed underground tunnel. Creeping myself, I went through it. It was really a long tunnel but I finally saw the light at its end. A putrid smell was spread all over the room. Putting my light in front of me, I discovered bones… but not some bones… it was… bunches of bones. The room branch out in several ways.
Suddenly, a noise behind me caught my attention. As I turned around, I saw a shadow. In the meantime a bark echoed at the opposite direction. Before I could see the origin, the lamp ran out of petrol. It’s been 1 hour since I left the house. But how did Diddy happen to be there? How are you doing Diddy? He licked my hand. Whatever (Bref), I had a more important issue. I had to leave this well right now. All of a sudden, a light coming from nowhere appeared. I had no other choice than following it. A strange shape silhouetted; as I got nearer, I distinguished the carcass of a dog: Diddy! But who then licked me sooner (tout à l’heure, plus tôt dans le tunnel…). From this moment, everything went fast… too fast… Far away, the sound of water echoed and before I realized what was happening, I was carried away. I was about to drown when a strange thing happened. I felt this protective presence only then I saw her…

Merci beaucoup!
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Doudou



Nombre de messages : 1286
Localisation : New-York
Date d'inscription : 26/12/2005

MessageSujet: Re: Rédaction   Lun 13 Oct - 13:10

“Emilie! The well is empty. I’m going to town to get some water. I’ll be back in about 2 hours.” That’s the disadvantage of living in this gloomy and isolated mansion; I'm here all alone with my father. I miss my mother. She disappeared 2 years ago. She had a good life in spite of her erratic behavior over a two-month period. Deep down , I still feel her protective presence. This makes me think about Diddy, my little dog; I haven't seen him for a week now.

Having nothing to do, I decided to fix the well. What was wrong with it, by the way? On my way to the well, I noticed how dark it was outside. It made me feel as if I was in one of those horror movies where zombies climb out of the well. Whatever… I took an oil lamp from the shed and made my way down the well. It was kinda humid in there. As I went down deeper, I noticed the ladder didn't look right; some of the rungs were broken. "Don’t slip", I thought to myself. "Just don’t slip.

Upon reaching the bottom, I was surprised to find a narrow underground tunnel. Creeping along, I went through it. It was really a long tunnel, but I finally saw the light at its end. A putrid smell pervaded throughout. Putting my light in front of me, I discovered bones… but not just a few bones… there were… bunches of bones! The part of the tunnel I was in branched out in several directions.

Suddenly, a noise behind me caught my attention. As I turned around, I saw a shadow. In the meantime, a bark echoed from the opposite direction. Before I could see where it came from, the lamp went out. It had run out of oil. It was one hour since I had left the house. But how did Diddy get down here? "How are you doing, Diddy?" He licked my hand. Whatever... I had a more important issue. I had to leave this well right now.

All of a sudden, a light appeared which seemed to come from nowhere. I had no other choice but to follow it. I saw the silhouette of a strange shape on the ground. As I got nearer, I could make out the carcass of a dog. Diddy! But then who had licked my hand a little while ago? From this moment on, everything went fast… too fast. In the distance, I could hear the sound of rushing water; and before I realized what was happening, I was carried away. I was about to drown when a strange thing happened. I felt this protective presence. It was then I saw her!

Whatever est très populaire chez les jeunes et les jeunes femmes américaines. La trad correcte c'est comme tu voudras.

Je te prie de ne pas exaggérer l'utilisation des points de suspension (...).


Bonne soirée, Lysias.

Ed
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Lysias1148

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Nombre de messages : 100
Date d'inscription : 09/02/2008

MessageSujet: Re: Rédaction   Lun 13 Oct - 21:19

Merci beaucoup Ed. Désolé pour les "..." je voulais juste faire en sorte que ça soit plus attrayant, montrer que le personnage réfléchit ou donner du suspense ^^".
Ca veut dire quoi "Uppon reaching the bottom?"
Sinon à la fin tu as compris que c'était sa mère?
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Doudou



Nombre de messages : 1286
Localisation : New-York
Date d'inscription : 26/12/2005

MessageSujet: Re: Rédaction   Mar 14 Oct - 11:18

Bon, c'est pas grave.

"Upon reaching the bottom (of the well)..." veut dire : dès son arrivée au fond (du puits)... ou après avoir touché le sol au fond du puits.

Et oui, j'ai bien compris qu'il s'agissait de la mère.

La lecture de ta rédac m'a beaucoup interessé.


Dernière édition par Doudou le Mer 15 Oct - 11:47, édité 1 fois
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Lysias1148

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Nombre de messages : 100
Date d'inscription : 09/02/2008

MessageSujet: Re: Rédaction   Mar 14 Oct - 23:46

Merci beaucoup Very Happy
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