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 redaction : A frightened experience.

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AuteurMessage
rowenna



Nombre de messages : 71
Date d'inscription : 20/02/2006

MessageSujet: redaction : A frightened experience.   Dim 22 Avr - 9:02

Bonjours,
J'ai une rédaction à faire sur une scène au cours de laquelle je serais poursuivie par quelqu'un.Et une morale à la fin.
Voici un résumé de mon histoire: je suis pressée de rentrer à la maison, je heurte quelqu'un , je lui demande pardon, mais il sort un couteau et me pourchasse, je crie, j'ai peur, je vois un policier, je lui demande de l'aide, il appelle un voiture de police, il me protège contre le méchant personnage qui me poursuit et les policiers arrivent et arrêtent l'homme.Le policier me rassure et je rentre à la maison soulagée.
A la fin du récit j'énonce une morale qui dit en gros qu'il faut se méfiêr des gens, faire attention, ne pas se fier aux apparences.

Merci de me corriger

Voici la redaction:

I was late to come back home. I have promised my mother to be at home exactly at 7 O'clock. I walked quickly.There was nobody in the street. I didn't see him.He was a tall man, who wore black clothes:black trousers, black tee-shirt and he has got black hairs and redden eyes.He was strange.
I hurt him, I apologized for having hurt him. He began to shout, I apologized again for having hurt him.He went to me. He put his hand into his trouser pocket and suddenly I saw the glint of a knife. I shouted, I was very afraid, I had legs like cotton wool. I shouted again, he continued to go to me. I shouted again, I was panicked.I took to my's heels.
I saw a policeman, I shouted :"Help! Help!" to him.I added:"I was following by a man , he was mad, he had a knife, this man pursued me! Help me!!"
The policeman took his talky-walkie and phone to the police station and took his billy and shouted :"Halt! Police!" to the man.I walked behind the policeman and I cried.
A police car arrived, and policemen went out of the car.They arrested the man.When I saw that, I stop to cry.
The policeman was very solicitous to me.He said kindly:"Don't be afraid! He was mad or addict.Go back home young lady.You have nothing to frighten now".
All was finished.
When I came back home, I had never been so relieved to go back home.

And from then I was always a lot more careful about strangers whatever their appearance particularly in the evening when I was alone.
( en rouge les mots qui sont dans le texte en anglais dans mon livre et dont je dois m'inspirer, la dernière phrase est preque identique à celle du texte de mon livre)
Merci d'avance pour votre correction !
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Doudou



Nombre de messages : 1289
Localisation : New-York
Date d'inscription : 26/12/2005

MessageSujet: Re: redaction : A frightened experience.   Dim 22 Avr - 16:54

Salut, Rowenna.

I was late to come back home.
I was late getting back home.
I have promised my mother to be at home exactly at 7 O'clock.
I had promised my mother I'd be home at exactly 7 o'clock.
I walked quickly.
There was nobody in the street.
There didn't seem to be anybody else on the street.
I didn't see him.
I was completely unaware of the person who suddenly appeared.
He was a tall man, who wore black clothes:black trousers, black tee-shirt and he has got black hairs and redden eyes.He was strange.
He was a tall man with black trousers, a black teeshirt, and black hair. His eys were red. He looked really strange.
I hurt him, I apologized for having hurt him. He began to shout, I apologized again for having hurt him.
Not realizing he was there, I bumped into him. I apologized. He began to shout angrily. I apologized again for bumping into him.
He went to me. He put his hand into his trouser pocket and suddenly I saw the glint of a knife.
He moved towards me in a threatening manner. My eyes caught the glint of a knife he was taking out of his trouser pocket.
I shouted, I was very afraid, I had legs like cotton wool.
I shouted because by then, I was very afraid. My legs felt like cotton.
I shouted again, he continued to go to me.
I continued to yell. I was in a complete state of panic as he continued to menace me.
I shouted again, I was panicked.I took to my's heels.
Still calling for help, I started to run.
I saw a policeman, I shouted :"Help! Help!" to him.
I saw a policeman, so I shouted "Help! Help!"
I added:"I was following by a man , he was mad, he had a knife, this man pursued me! Help me!!"
I told him I was being followed and threatened by a strange man. "He's mad," I said. "And he has a knife. He won't stop coming after me. Please help me!"
The policeman took his talky-walkie and phone to the police station
The cop took his walkie-talkie and called the police station.
and took his billy and shouted :"Halt! Police!" to the man.
Then he took his billy club and shouted, "Stop! Police!"
I walked behind the policeman and I cried.
I was crying as I walked behind the policeman.
A police car arrived, and policemen went out of the car. They arrested the man.
A squad car arrived, and several cops got out and arrested the man.
When I saw that, I stop to cry.
When I saw this fiend being arrested, I stopped crying.
The policeman was very solicitous to me.
The policeman was very solicitous as he spoke to me.
He said kindly:"Don't be afraid! He was mad or addict.Go back home young lady.You have nothing to frighten now".
All was finished.
He said kindly, "Don't be afraid. That guy was crazy or a drug addict. You can go back home now, young lady. You don't have to be scared anymore." It was all over.
When I came back home, I had never been so relieved to go back home.
When I reached my house, I had never been so relieved to be back home.
And from then on, I was always a lot more careful about strangers whatever their appearance particularly in the evening when I was alone.
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rowenna



Nombre de messages : 71
Date d'inscription : 20/02/2006

MessageSujet: merci!!   Lun 23 Avr - 11:03

Merci beaucoup pour cette belle correction ! Maintenant le texte est plus élaboré.Cela va m'aider a apprendre de nouvelles tournures de phrases et de nouveaux vocabulaire!

A+ et encore un grand merci !
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Doudou



Nombre de messages : 1289
Localisation : New-York
Date d'inscription : 26/12/2005

MessageSujet: Re: redaction : A frightened experience.   Lun 23 Avr - 15:06

You're more than welcome, Rowenna. Permets-moi d'ajouter une très petite précision au titre de ta rédac :

a frightening experience

Ed
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